We divorced: how do we tell our son?

Love is over, we no longer share the same interests, I can not stand any more aspects of your personality, I'm not happy. These and other reasons are responsible for the arrival in our lives of divorce or separation.

It is a normal and healthy process that should not be linked to the feeling of happiness of our children. It is true that it is not a tasteful dish for our children to accept that mom and dad will no longer be together, but it is less pleasant to make the situation worse by forcing the family unit.

Tips that will help you better get a divorce when you have children

Taking the decision

Arriving home is no longer pleasant. Clashes and fights are becoming more frequent and patience decreases every day. "We have decided. We divorced" Apparently this is the most complex step, but when you have children, then a weight falls on us: How do we tell our children? Pain is enough and what we want least is to continue causing suffering ... AND LESS TO OUR CHILDREN!

Both parties do not want to be the culprits of the situation that is going to establish a radical before and after in the lives of our children and the tendency to "blame" the other party is tempting to us in an unconscious way. We do not want to be the bad guys, we do not want to be responsible for their pain. It is normal. So, how do we give them the news?

The common history

First, we must be aware that each member of the couple lives the divorce situation differently and from their subjective point of view. Secondly, your son does not care who was the culpritHe loves them the same way and the least thing that he wants in this world is to add to this situation a bad father or mother and a good one.

The creation of the common history not only makes the divorce more friendly but it gives your son the same version from which a composition of place can be made, without doubting one of the two parents and without thinking that one of the two lies . It is better to know that mom and dad no longer love each other for various reasons than to think that one of the two parents has betrayed the other. Of this last form the child when he is with each one will feel that he is deceiving the other.

When and how do we tell it?

Many parents decide to communicate their decision to their child when the process is already well advanced and even when the parents are not living together. This situation makes the child throughout this process that we think "DO NOT REALIZE" draw their own and possibly wrong conclusions. This fact only creates disengagement with the parents and insecurity about their future.

First of all, before talking with our children, it is necessary to plan what is going to be said, how it is going to be said and what questions should be answered in order to have the same criteria.

The ideal would be to communicate the news in a relaxed place and having time and without haste. In the case that there are more siblings, we suggest that the news be given at the same time so that they feel supported and empathize with their peers. At that time we can proceed following the steps suggested below:

  • Adapt the language to the age of our children.
  • Tell the common story together and stay in it over time.
  • Do not speak negatively of any of the members of the couple.
  • Clarify and remember that what will never change will be the feeling towards them. We love you very much and we will continue to do so.
  • Explain what will happen next: change of home, visits, schedules, etc.
  • Give a margin of digestion and favor the realization of questions solving the doubts that the child has.

The dreaded reaction

As we mentioned earlier, this is not a dish of good taste, so the reaction of our son in the first moments will not be positive. Episodes of anxiety, guilt, anger and depression will probably appear at the beginning of the process in our son. We emphasize that it is normal, therefore both parents must be with him supporting him and encouraging him to communicate with us.

Always telling the truth, being honest, not blaming the other parent and maintaining routines favors the process of acceptance of this new reality that must always mean a change for the better for all the members of the family. This article is published for informational purposes only. It can not and should not replace the consultation with a Psychologist. We advise you to consult your trusted Psychologist.

Getting a Divorce with Kids: What Parents Need to Know (July 2021)